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⚠ TRIGGER WARNING: MENTIONS OF SUICIDE ⚠
Oh how I “Remember Her”
I remember her thinking "Is this it? Is this what my life is supposed to be?" Not that anything was wrong, nothing was wrong at all, everything was “fine, everything was just fine” but “fine” was not all that I thought my life would be when I was younger.
I had hopes. I had dreams. I had laughter. I had pure unadulterated joy + passion. I had HER. I “Remember Her”. Do you remember her too? Do you wonder where the fuck she went?
Slowly, as I moved through life, I had jobs. I had businesses. I had debt. I had a dying parent + an ailing grandparent to support til their deaths. I had a husband who wanted to commit suicide for several years to keep alive.
Yup that’s “life” I kept getting told.
And it is.
We all have our thing we have or have had. Mine is no worse than any other woman’s + this is not shared for sympathy but so you know that I know that I’m in the incredible company of many many women 🙋🏻♀️🙋🏼♀️🙋🏽♀️🙋🏾♀️
But I look back + to me that was NOT life, that was slowly dying.
I look back & I don’t know how I did it.
And if I’m really honest with you, I almost didn’t. There were times where I thought I did not want to go on. Times I thought that life was really not worth living.
That was when the voice visited. Those were the moments when it got louder than it’s regular whisper that I could easily ignore. Thats when the voice would yell + scream + beg me to hang on for one more breath, for one more hour, for one more day. That is when it would remind me that there once was MORE than this. That is when it would scream we can have that MORE again, just hold on.
Thats when my awakening began. When the voice inside promised me there was MORE if I was willing to join with it + live MY life differently.
It asked me if I was ready to put myself to the top of the list instead of the bottom. To live the life I was born to live. It reassured me there was another way + I could still help those I needed to help, (because I’m a loving caring human being), but to not lose me in doing that.
Even though I was crumbling I whispered back through sobs “I’ll try to hold on. I’ll try to find that MORE with you”. “I’ll try.”
And that, beautiful, is when my awakening began.
That is when, one breath at a time, I began to seek MORE for MY life.
From those ashes of what was my life began my own awakening to my true self. To my life. To my soul. To my life journey not the journey of all others lives.
It took my nearly ending my own life for me to begin to live my life.
These are hard memories to revisit in my life. These are hard words to write. They are hard words to speak. But I will not apologize because they are my truth, they are my soul’s truth. And I am so grateful that I’m here to share them with you because if my sharing my real story has one woman on this planet stand + weakly raise her hand + say “me too + I need help” then the discomfort I’m feeling at this moment as I share all of this honestly + truthfully, from my soul, is worth my discomfort.
I am not unique. We all know many women like me. I have heard this story spoken from the mouths of so many women since beginning my journey. Now I’m speaking them to you.
I am here, walking this planet today with my heart in my hands, pouring my soul out to you in hopes that my journey can help + light the journey for one woman. So if it’s YOU I’m speaking to you, grab my hand. If it’s your sister or your girlfriend, I beg you to connect me to her + to not wait. Don’t hold my story as your secret when others need to hear it. SHARE THIS STORY of awakening.
There is a different way + I’m here to guide you on it. One breath + one step at a time. It is time to take the first step in the walk your awakening journey, your Audacious Awakening journey. Grab my hand. 💙
PS: Remember Her is a reference to an incredible poem by Donna Ashworth that inspires me always to remember her.